Sports Columnists Gifts

"That's my best advice to you, Mr. Gilbert. Try not to reject it out of hand simply because it also happens to be Mike Lupica's advice to the Mets."

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

I think you're ace

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Perils of the double play.

'The 'Leviathan Bat,' or many centuried marvel of the modern (cricket) world. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)'

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

'Maybe fruit flies don't have souls.'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

Novak Djokovic has his visa denied to play in Australia as he is unvaccinated

'Wow! That's got to be some sort of record!'

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

Tennis ball girl.

"Getting the ball in the hole on the first swing is good isn't it?"

'You know our track team stinks when our star pole vaulter is better at the limbo.'

American Football.