Sports Columnists Pillows

"That's my best advice to you, Mr. Gilbert. Try not to reject it out of hand simply because it also happens to be Mike Lupica's advice to the Mets."

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

I think you're ace

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Perils of the double play.

'The 'Leviathan Bat,' or many centuried marvel of the modern (cricket) world. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)'

Kenny Dalglish

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

Gold Medal for IOC boss Thomas Bach in the discipline of Brown-Nosing-Dictators-For-Money.

'Wow! That's got to be some sort of record!'

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

'Maybe fruit flies don't have souls.'

Novak Djokovic has his visa denied to play in Australia as he is unvaccinated

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"Getting the ball in the hole on the first swing is good isn't it?"

'You know our track team stinks when our star pole vaulter is better at the limbo.'

Tennis ball girl.