Sports Columnist Pillows

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

I think you're ace

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Perils of the double play.

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

'The 'Leviathan Bat,' or many centuried marvel of the modern (cricket) world. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)'

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

Novak Djokovic has his visa denied to play in Australia as he is unvaccinated

'Wow! That's got to be some sort of record!'

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

"Getting the ball in the hole on the first swing is good isn't it?"

Tennis ball girl.

'You know our track team stinks when our star pole vaulter is better at the limbo.'

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."

American Football.

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'