Sports Commentator At Heart Gifts

Various degrees of 'out' and the corresponding behaviour of umpires.

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

I think you're ace

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Perils of the double play.

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

'The 'Leviathan Bat,' or many centuried marvel of the modern (cricket) world. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)'

Kenny Dalglish

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

'Wow! That's got to be some sort of record!'

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

Novak Djokovic has his visa denied to play in Australia as he is unvaccinated

Gold Medal for IOC boss Thomas Bach in the discipline of Brown-Nosing-Dictators-For-Money.

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

Tennis ball girl.

'You know our track team stinks when our star pole vaulter is better at the limbo.'

"Getting the ball in the hole on the first swing is good isn't it?"

American Football.

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

Cricket widow's revenge 2

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

'He's missed six goals today. I bet he could kick himself.'