Sports Commentator In Training Gifts

How much time is left? Eight minutes? Shelly consults her basketball-time-to-real-time conversion chart.

'Cricket's a nice game, but why so short?'

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

I think you're ace

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Perils of the double play.

'The 'Leviathan Bat,' or many centuried marvel of the modern (cricket) world. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)'

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

Kenny Dalglish

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'Wow! That's got to be some sort of record!'

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

Novak Djokovic has his visa denied to play in Australia as he is unvaccinated

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

Tennis ball girl.

'You know our track team stinks when our star pole vaulter is better at the limbo.'

"Getting the ball in the hole on the first swing is good isn't it?"

Ok, ok, maybe you guys are right - maybe I do have a concussion.

American Football.

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.