Sports Analyst At Heart Gifts

'Gimme the remote. I think you got it on slo-mo.'

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"The Bruins are down a goal. Do me a favor: Pretend you’re a Boston terrier."

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

Cricket Accidents.

The Other Cooperstown

'He's gonna dunk on me. I just know it.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

'...I don't like your chances!'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'At least we don't have to accomplish anything in order to go to a bowl game.'

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

Centaur Forward

Gold Medal for IOC boss Thomas Bach in the discipline of Brown-Nosing-Dictators-For-Money.

Baseball Fantasy League Draft. 27 Trout. Everybody wants that rare player who can do it all on their team. Yeah, a player that hits for average and hits for power! Who is also terrific with a glove and has a strong throwing arm. All along with having great speed! Excuse me, I just don't understand it. Why are you always making such a big deal over a five-tool player?!

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

'Fergie quits - chewing gum sales hit all time low!'

Bessy had won the 100m sprint... but many suspected Steeroid abuse!

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

Basketball.

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

'All this viewing is an endurance event in itself...'

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'

Lost Season

Wilfried Zaha

Jose Mourinho & Roman Abramovich Caricature.