Sports Analyst At Heart Pillows

'Gimme the remote. I think you got it on slo-mo.'

"The Bruins are down a goal. Do me a favor: Pretend you’re a Boston terrier."

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

Cricket Accidents.

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

The Other Cooperstown

'He's gonna dunk on me. I just know it.'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

'At least we don't have to accomplish anything in order to go to a bowl game.'

'...I don't like your chances!'

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

Centaur Forward

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

Bessy had won the 100m sprint... but many suspected Steeroid abuse!

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'Nice tackle, Dewey! You knocked the fur ball out of him!'

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Wilfried Zaha

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

Lost Season

Basketball.

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'