Sporting Satire Fan Gifts

'I want a good, clean fight. And if I don't see you after this round, hard luck.'

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

"What's he going to do now, break wind?"

Alternative fielding positions

"... It's just that, when you said you had a couple of tickets to see the big game..."

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"I got a red card for not having enough fun!!"

'Anyone else want to get up and leave before the game is over?'

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'...And if that doesn't work, grab your rifle and start blasting away.'

'And remember...no sudden moves in the shoot out.'

'The manager takes the pitcher out of the game'

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

Advertising space on jockeys' bottoms

Glenn Hoddle

Loser's Podium.

'It's not your fault, Dewey. Whenever a call doesn't go his way, he goes ballistic.'

"I'm here to ensure there's no hanky-panky with the ball's inflation."

The Washington Arbitrators

Why are you dressed like a British lawyer? The term is barrister, but it doesn't surprise me you don't know that. In fact, it helps me make the case I'm here to prove today: That you're a meathead because you suffered concussions playing football. That's ridiculous. Hold on! Let your counsel represent you. I want to be fair. Counsel? Never mind. He seems to have no comment.

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

Competitors complained that Sir Hops-A-Lot's souther steed gave him an unfair advantage."

'Youth Baseball Clinic: How To Develop A Deep-Rooted Hatred Of The Media.'

Free Speech has heavy price.

'To protect their investments, many baseball owners are hiring bodyguards for their players.'

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

'You're SURE that you've played water polo before?'

"Just to set the record straight, I'm leaving you because you never turn your body to the net, you don't have a smooth swing, and because your forehand, backhand, and volley are inadequate!"

Organically Grown Athlete - Guaranteed free of chemicals.

'... and I almost want to thank my pharmacist.'

"This one is called 'Essence of Hockey Bag.'"