Spooky Fine-diner Gifts

'This must be their seasonal menu. These prices are scary!'

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

"Regular service or affected?"

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

"For drinks or dinner?"

'The customer is always right...'

'How would you like that? Medium, rare, or wrapped in plastic on a foam tray?'

'This is my kind of Chinese...A chocolate double fudge fortune cookie!'

Dave's Hamburger Shop

"Aperitif?"

'Would Sir & Madam per chance care to peruse the scratch & sniff dessert menu?'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"Perhaps I'm asking too much of you in the way of companionship."

"Mum, why can't we just have a normal Sunday roast like other families?"

"Linguini for two?"

'Waiter, you seem to have mixed my bill up with somebody who wants to buy this restaurant.'

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

"It's the Chef Surprise."

Lunch

'I'm afraid the Chef's Surprise today is that he ran off with one of the waitresses.'

"My apologies, but that's not a meatball. That's my computer mouse. I've been looking for it."

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'

"There's a free pudding for whoever finds the Chef's glass eye."

Sorry, that's probably one of mine.

'I'm afraid things are rather confused around here today, sir- the Soup of the Day is a grilled-cheese sandwich'

Chez Ritzo. Yes, I would like an after dinner mint - I need one to pay this check.