Spiritual Speculator Gifts

'A wonderful sermon, father; I liked the part about a time to sew and a time to reap. When would you say I should cover the naked December calls I sold last month?'

"Good game."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Son, it's time you learned the benefits of sitting around doing nothing."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

'You're through around here.. turn in your rubber donut!'

Road sign: 'No Passing Zone... This, too, shall pass.'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'Enlightenment isn't EITHER overrated!'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Wow! -- Talk about a paradigm shift!'

'Don't just sit there thinking. Meditate.'

"Well, that certainly killed my buzz."

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

Tiny Visions

A man deflates and dissolves into the ground and becomes a flower.

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

'The meaning of life is dog food.'

Zenemies.

"Needs to get a life"

'Of course homosexuality is not a sin, handsome.'

My God, I need to fart.

Astral Projection

"All we have left is standing room only."

"Who plays ball with the Dalai Lama?" "That's right." "What's right?" "Who plays ball with the Dalai Lama." "Why are you asking me?"

"How do you say ‘Where is the bathroom’ in Sanskrit?"

"Then one day, as I caught a tennis ball in midair, I asked myself, 'Is this all there is?'"

"Are you not thinking what I'm not thinking?"

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'Are we there yet? Huh? Have we achieved Nirvana yet? Huh, have we?'