Speed Dating Satirists Pillows

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

'Speed dating really works! Our first date was Friday, we married on Saturday, and now I'm happily single again.'

"Wow! That guy is REALLY good at 'Speed Dating!'"

"You need a mint."

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

First Date

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

"Speed daters! Say hi within the hour!"

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

Christian Speed Dating

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

He's Tasty!

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

Speed Dating

Do you suspect me of ulterior motives? Let's put it this way: You're not a suspect; you're a person of disinterest.

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

Paleontology Dept. 7.5 million years! He does it with one quick look. Ernie's an expert at speed dating!

"I think you are exceeding the speed limit."

"He's handsome. I wonder how he tastes?"

'This is not what I meant when I said we were going dutch.'

'I've tried some lines with her, but I keep getting error messages.'

'Five minutes into date 1 and my dog has already booked date 2. . .'