Soybean Sipper Pillows

'I'm into natural foods, Joe -- give me a martini with a soybean in it.'

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"Bad morning. I was running late and skipped my coffee, diet soda, energy drink and Ritalin."

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."

'I swear, if he didn't always pick up the tab, I'd never go drinking with him.'

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

Pasta

The last song before the party exploded.

"Hey! There's a hair in my soup!"

"Sigh...Another sherry Harold...Go team ect."

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

Running Latte

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'Would you like some of our house wine? I just made it.'

"Our seasonal special is spiced pumpkin apple butternut squash ale. Would you like that in a frosted mug or over ice cream?"

Anton's Bar and Grill

'Just wait until I'm introduced to carbonated beverages!'

'I told her my biological clock was going off, and she hit my snooze alarm.'

A very fine vintage

Milton wonders if it would be possible to substitute scotch and sex for tea and sympathy.

"Mom, what kind of soup do we eat when we're sick?"

'Come to order' 'I'll have a burger, hold the mayo, and a large cola.'

"'60 Minutes' is on."

"How do I know if it's fresh?... You asked for 'the soup of the day'. You didn't specify what day."

"When I was your age, I was a lot older."

"My famous chicken soup! The secret ingredient is the rum."

"It's still stew but the celebrity chef wants to call it a deconstructed steak and ale pie with a dusting of salt in a brown sauce coulis."

"A foot bath after a long hard day at work is really nice!"

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'