Soon-to-be-married Couple Gifts

They said it would never last. Even the photographer used a disposable camera.

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

Couples' therapy

"Gals, you know I hate being the center of attention, so for the next 45 minutes I am going to monologue about all the minute details of my wedding planning."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"Congratulations. It's a chick."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'I felt it put it's little boot in then!'

"I'm texting you a love poem inspired by the emoji you sent me."

'...And do you John take Jennifer to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, to write off on your taxes?'

The Plinth Wedding Planner Co.

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

"I'll agree to a pre-nup if you'll agree to a non-compete clause."

"Don't you think we should wait to see the effects of the new tax code?"

Novelist, writing her own vows... runs into writer's block.

Henceforth including, but expressly not limited to love and honor and cherish and ... These vows are light on romance, but they're iron-clad legally!

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

'It was so romantic. He got down on one knee, showed me the ring, and proposed--right after we exchanged credit reports.'

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

50,000 BC: The First Engagement Ring.

'Don't try to sweet talk me, Eddie! You had your chance yesterday! We are through!'

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

"You may now begin your insane experiment."

Last night of freedom.

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

'I'm afraid we don't deliver on Sundays.'

'I hear they wrote their own vows.'

"Do you, Amanda and John, promise to watch yourselves, mind your Ps and Qs, and generally step on eggshells in this marriage, in order to somehow keep it up and running for as long as possible?"

'Just think, darling - tomorrow the cooking will be all mine and the dishes yours!'

"The toaster your brother gave us is beginning to get on my nerves."