Software Cynic Pillows

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

"The central digital platform is temporarily renamed Project Schrödinger’s Cat. Until it is accessed on the 24th February it both is and is not a working system."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

Wow. A corner office at last

"A survey found 82% of people think surveys are a waste of time."

'You don't understand, Hartwell -- the handshake WAS your Christmas bonus.'

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

Unsocial Networking.

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

'Leave us your suggestions here.' (The suggestion box is a shredder)

"Well, if you can't trust software upgrades, who can you trust?"

"Just saying, if you can't trust your software upgrades, what can you trust?"

Man at a desk in Performance Review Dept. has a cannon in the 'OUT' box pointing out the window lights cannon.

"I've given him your message. If you'll just take a seat, he'll be out in a moment with his hands up."

The first accurate poll.

Find the failed CEO who got a 200 million dollar bonus while being fired.

The Side Effect of Self-Awareness

"I was thinking about leaving until I found out they were going to waterboard me during the exit interview."

Don't worry, Bob. There are some jobs a robot just can't do...like kissing ass.

'Oh I've always been a sceptic, through all my past lives.'

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

"I just can't work out where the f*****g Swear Jar money went."

If Kitschy Film Dialogues Were Really Realistic. . .

"Sir, are all these compliments and this reminiscing about my time here leading up to my termination?"

Finally, a news network that doesn't fill me up...it's 97 fact free!

"We're ready to begin the next phase of keeping things exactly the way they are."

The advanced motivational exercise required killing the boss, burying the body and not ratting out your co-workers.

Realistic terms of agreement options. . .

'Look at your dismissal as support for the third world, because that's where the company's moving!'