Socratic Gifts

'He's always looking for an argument!'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

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"It was Socrates, wasn't it, who said, 'The unexamined life is not worth living'?"

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

Illustration on the problem of money that is given to charities ending up in the hands of governments.

Thomas Carlyle

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

'You're a nihilist, eh? — well, at least you have something to believe in.'

'I'm not interested in what the paper is about, Dr Jones, I just want you to put me on the authors' list...'

'...On the other hand - the examined life sucks too.'

"The end of my patience is near!"

"You know, Socrates said, 'The unexamined life is not worth living,' however, in your case, Edwin, it might be a blessing."

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

Khan Hunt

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

The End is Near...You Wish.

"Why can I only cross 'right' or 'wrong'? What about 'I don't care', 'I don't give a damn' or 'How should I know'?"

'So that's all there is to it! Just remember to always look busy, the boss likes to drop in unexpectedly sometimes!'

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."

"All the government wants to do is push our buttons!"

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

'There's a fifteen minute wait for people we like, and a forty five minute wait for people like you.'

'Well, you DO have free will... you just choose to be a fatalist.'

"Free Wi-Fi"

'Touch wood'

"Would you do me a favor and call me back when you're no longer an idiot?"

Cellphone Mania.

"How am I supposed to know whether I'm guilty or not? - I'm a sociopath!"

'I can't guarantee that giving up smiling, drinking and sex will make you live longer, but it will certainly SEEM much longer. . .'