Societal Comedian Gifts

'It's a social-climbing wall.'

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

Horse statue throws off rider.

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

Monet At Open Mic Night

In baseball we can't practice social distancing when everybody is told to stay at home.

"At work, they call me benchmark."

Trump in Washington

'Since bottom line growth has been so robust, big business wants to thank you all in advance for not applying with them.'

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

Shy Man at Party

"Your heart won't tolerate any more town-hall meetings."

Ye Olde FIgure-Drawing Classe

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

'Scottish Arts Council? I'm looking for sponsorship to help me sit through a performance of Gotterdammerung.'

Campaign Headquarters: For a $500 contribution, the candidate will shake your hand ans sustain eye contact with you for five seconds.

"We were going to adopt a highway, but Rachel thought there would be less red tape if we adopted an overpass."

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out James Carville?'

The leatherhosen thief strikes again!

"Great job dealing with all those mail-in ballots. Seriously, top notch."

"I'm hoping that once we enter the Bronze Age I'll be able to get a better likeness of you."

'Naughty or nice? - I suppose you mean by White male standards, right?'

Two Men Dining.

"The point is, Hutchens, a younger man could jump higher."

'Are you sure you want the party sub? I mean are you sure? Are you buying it for someone else or something???'

Political Hipsters

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

'But they can't close your local, you're the pub bore!'

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

'By the way, I usually sneeze in twos. So that's another interesting thing about me.'