Societal Comedian Gifts

'It's a social-climbing wall.'

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

Horse statue throws off rider.

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

Monet At Open Mic Night

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

'Since bottom line growth has been so robust, big business wants to thank you all in advance for not applying with them.'

Shy Man at Party

"At work, they call me benchmark."

"Your heart won't tolerate any more town-hall meetings."

Ye Olde FIgure-Drawing Classe

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

"We were going to adopt a highway, but Rachel thought there would be less red tape if we adopted an overpass."

'Scottish Arts Council? I'm looking for sponsorship to help me sit through a performance of Gotterdammerung.'

Campaign Headquarters: For a $500 contribution, the candidate will shake your hand ans sustain eye contact with you for five seconds.

"I'm hoping that once we enter the Bronze Age I'll be able to get a better likeness of you."

"Great job dealing with all those mail-in ballots. Seriously, top notch."

'Are you sure you want the party sub? I mean are you sure? Are you buying it for someone else or something???'

The leatherhosen thief strikes again!

'Naughty or nice? - I suppose you mean by White male standards, right?'

Two Men Dining.

"The point is, Hutchens, a younger man could jump higher."

Political Hipsters

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

'But they can't close your local, you're the pub bore!'

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

'By the way, I usually sneeze in twos. So that's another interesting thing about me.'

Eggskimos: Eskimos in the form of Eggs.