Social Comedian Gifts

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

'Hey baby, I'll bet you're wondering who's convertible that is outside.'

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

'Hello, my name is Death'

This next song is about facing your fears, which I'll be playing on the ukulele.

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

In baseball we can't practice social distancing when everybody is told to stay at home.

The Last of the Passenger Pigeons

"This song is inspired by the time I fell down the tower stairs"

"At work, they call me benchmark."

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

I'm no good at small talk

Manhole Warning

'Scottish Arts Council? I'm looking for sponsorship to help me sit through a performance of Gotterdammerung.'

"Who you calling a candya**?"

'Are you sure you want the party sub? I mean are you sure? Are you buying it for someone else or something???'

"The point is, Hutchens, a younger man could jump higher."

'It's a social-climbing wall.'

'Naughty or nice? - I suppose you mean by White male standards, right?'

Two Men Dining.

The leatherhosen thief strikes again!

Political Hipsters

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

'But they can't close your local, you're the pub bore!'

Tallit barcode

"Remember what happens in vegans stays in vegans."

'By the way, I usually sneeze in twos. So that's another interesting thing about me.'