Social Comedian Pillows

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

'Hey baby, I'll bet you're wondering who's convertible that is outside.'

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

'Hello, my name is Death'

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

"This song is inspired by the time I fell down the tower stairs"

"At work, they call me benchmark."

The Last of the Passenger Pigeons

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

I'm no good at small talk

Manhole Warning

"Who you calling a candya**?"

'Scottish Arts Council? I'm looking for sponsorship to help me sit through a performance of Gotterdammerung.'

'Naughty or nice? - I suppose you mean by White male standards, right?'

Two Men Dining.

'It's a social-climbing wall.'

The leatherhosen thief strikes again!

'Are you sure you want the party sub? I mean are you sure? Are you buying it for someone else or something???'

"The point is, Hutchens, a younger man could jump higher."

Political Hipsters

'But they can't close your local, you're the pub bore!'

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

Refusing to shake hands

Tallit barcode

'By the way, I usually sneeze in twos. So that's another interesting thing about me.'