Socially Comedic Pillows

'Are you sure you want the party sub? I mean are you sure? Are you buying it for someone else or something???'

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"I'm terrible with names, but never fail at fingerprint, facial or voice recognition."

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

In baseball we can't practice social distancing when everybody is told to stay at home.

"This is a very nice thing you’re doing."

"At work, they call me benchmark."

'Oh, and remember, Sir, whatever you do, please don't go staring at Mr. Winterhouse's glass eye.'

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

'But, there must be some mistake. I don't want to buy the school.'

'The easy part was training him not to beg.'

Trump's firings

'Ever since she has found out that she is related to one of the Queen's corgis she has been unbearable.'

'She's so posh, she can make her wind sound like Verdi's 'Requiem'.'

'Hugo has short term memory loss but we've chosen to ignore it!'

Two Men Dining.

2019 Debate: "I'd like to begin by calling my opponent a babbling idiot!"

'It's a social-climbing wall.'

"The point is, Hutchens, a younger man could jump higher."

"The gravy train at platform 2 will be calling at all stations to Westminster."

'Sorry, you're not suitable for the post of Assistant Beggar.'

'Naughty or nice? - I suppose you mean by White male standards, right?'

"Remember what happens in vegans stays in vegans."

"Now remember Gerard, don't stare. Enid's aged since you last saw her and a little self-conscious about her crow's feet."

'Of course I'm at work with a fever of 104. I'm not going to waste a sick day off when I'm actually sick!'

"We'll be catering the school dance!"

Refusing to shake hands

'Hey baby, I'll bet you're wondering who's convertible that is outside.'

'By the way, I usually sneeze in twos. So that's another interesting thing about me.'

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

'Oh... and this must be the little lady.'

"He failed at hunting, and gathering was beneath him."

Your mower will be returned...and your neighbour will borrow it.

'It's so hard getting seated here... would you care to join me and my friends?'