Social Life Humorist Pillows

"We'll be catering the school dance!"

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"It's a 'selfie.'"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

Better Living Through Technology

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

The Militant Unionist

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

'It says I can't access Pharaoh's tablet unless I'm on his buddies list.'

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Rocket charmer.

He's a statue. I told him not to friend Medusa on Facebook.

The First Selfie!

"At work, they call me benchmark."

"Er, sorry guys. It didn't look this big on instagram!"

'I'm bored.'

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

"Look at the bright side, you finally have followers."

I'm no good at small talk

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

Castle with parking lot.

"Your online comment meets the offence of serious insult. The 13 spelling mistakes in the 17 words of your comment constitutes a crime against the English language!"

Hillary on Instagram

"Stop saying 'Content is King'!"

"This guy wants to show he has nothing to hide, so he posted a photo of himself open-faced."

Two Men Dining.