Social Obligation Navigators Pillows

'He's my wife's second cousin three times removed, but he keeps coming back.'

"Lenny?" "Darrell?"

"Sinclair's not all he's cracked up to be. His reputation exceeds him."

"It's a beautiful day. I should go for a walk. . . Oh, now my neighbors are all out there."

"'Mr. Evans,' she said to me with that adorable smile, 'I think you're the nicest boy in the entire old-boy network.'"

"If I had known how adult her place was I would have brought nicer beer."

"And for my next trick, I will confuse general politeness for chemistry."

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

'I'll see your Social Security Supplement and raise you Medicare and a Canadian pharmacy ID.'

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

"What are we doing wrong?"

"Now, Mr. Lindsay. About this non-profit organization you head."

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

'Explain to us, son, how gaining nine A levels is uncool and damages your street cred.'

"Would it decrease my chances of getting a five star rating if I were to ask you about your political views."

'I usually don't do online dating.'

"Don't stare at his massive claw... Don't stare at his massive claw...

"I really like smart women."

"Senator, according to this report you've been

"I thank you guys for a wonderful time—and for giving me the opportunity to access some laughter!"

The Land of the Uncomfortable Pause

"When you grow up, son, you can be whatever you want, a doctor or a lawyer."

"You're not allowed to plead 'no contest'."

'Nobody likes me. I need a media advisor.'

"Buffering... buffering... buffering..."

'Hey Bob, I'd like you to meet my-'

"Maybe quarantine was better?!!!"

Evil Pusskins#3

Give that woman a Pink Squirrel! Give that man a black eye.

"I forgot to charge him."

When I got a new job a while ago, I discovered the right career really does lead to more success with women! Now women seem to like the places I take them! In some relationships, we've moved forward quickly! It's amazing -- for the first time in my life I've actually had women chasing after me! Oh I get it , Ernie! You're driving a bus! Yeah, things are great now that I'm in the driver's seat! (Published originally on July 24, 2011.)

I'm figuring what's good for me, but only by the process of elimination.

'I'm under a lot of peer pressure!'

"Where else can you go from the security detail to owning the whole place?"