Social Media Sprinter Pillows

City Marathon.

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

21st century water cooler conversations.

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"Could you please focus on the objective of this meeting, Tom... you can get back to your 300 followers later."

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"What does it mean? Heck, I don't know! It's mystifying!"

"Before I do this, I would ask everyone to please delete the footage in the event of this not going as planned."

"AHHHH, MORNING!"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

Obsession with the Internet.

Digital Fomo!

"I, TikTok."

Updated Classis: Alice Through the You Tube.

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"And to my nephew, Todd, I leave my 27 Twitter followers."

"Where have you been? This content's not going to create itself."

Trick or Tweet

I just hope my doctor is not on twitter too!

"What do you want to be when you blow up?"

"She looks just like in your photos."

"Well, the alternative would be to use your social media accounts to promote toothlessness."

"I always send a layover selfie back home, to let everyone know I'm safe."

'And, for the student with the most hits on his or her Facebook page, the award goes to Lisa Skemley!'

'The ten commandments have all been reduced to tweets.'

"I'm spending more time promoting myself than I am being myself."

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"These are X-Rays of your operation, and this is a selfie I took with your gall bladder."

"Influence this."

There's a Facebook group for everyone... "Even Toilet Paper Mummies!"

John Barth wrote "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." That he did, little buddy. But what if a person spends most of his life watching tv, films, Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, etc? What if my -- I mean, this person's -- life story is watching other people's life stories? Does that make other people the hero of this person's story? Sometimes I don't know where I end and Kanye begins. That'd be somewhere around Kim Kardashian.

"May I recommend our Seared Filet with Lobster Cream Sauce? It's very photogenic."