Social Influencer Pillows

"I still compose my tweets in longhand on a yellow legal pad."

"I want you to meet these guys-they've got the hottest new stupid thing on the Internet."

Selfie Man

"Tariffs love me...tariffs love me not..."

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"I got 30 likes but Mom's was not one of them."

Other girl's luxuries are my necessities.

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

"Are we going for suntan, personal development or being the envy of our friends on Instagram?"

A is for App...B is for Blogger...C is for Celebrity.

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, Kevin. You need to know them so you can Blog.'

"We've won control of the congress. Our next objective is to win control of the media."

"Where have you been? This content's not going to create itself."

'The ten commandments have all been reduced to tweets.'

"What do you want to be when you blow up?"

"Mommy, watch, I'm living authentically!"

"Well, the alternative would be to use your social media accounts to promote toothlessness."

'And the wicked stepmother looked into her smartphone and said, "Selfie, selfie in my face, who's the fairest in this place?"

"I'm spending more time promoting myself than I am being myself."

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

"I already have the perfect hashtag!"

"This is off our first TikTok."

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"That's right, it's @kingphilbert3rd... Yeah, with a P-H... That's him, yep, now tap "follow"..."

'Your tweets have quite a following.'

"May I recommend our Seared Filet with Lobster Cream Sauce? It's very photogenic."

"Remember when we were Instagram models?"