Social Etiquette Wizard Pillows

"Once you've stood up for one actor, you're not allowed to sit back down for the next."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

'Apart from the pain I can't get my hat off.'

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"Tell him I can still hear him chewing."

"How about fashionably never?"

"... And how are you enjoying the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu?"

"Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to say how much I hate your dress."

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

'You're not supposed to kiss everyone, Mr Jenkins.'

"Would it decrease my chances of getting a five star rating if I were to ask you about your political views."

"Don't stare at his massive claw... Don't stare at his massive claw...

"Donald, you’re in the C-suite now. No more smiley faces or exclamation points."

'I certainly phoned SOMEBODY and said, honey, I'm bringing home a guest for dinner!'

Unbroken Eye Contact: The Musical

"How much do you tip your genie?"

'Sorry! I thought nobody would notice.'

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

'Hah, he bowed lower than I did.'

How Dogs Identify Themselves in Upscale Neighborhoods.

Captain asking lady to dance

"Goodbye and have a wonderful day!" "Ugh! Don’t tell me what to do, okay!?!"

"Thank you for the lovely dinner, Perry. Would you like to come in for a stool softener?"

A guest departing a party.

'It's rude to talk to someone with your sunglasses on - they can't see your . . er . . limpid pools of loveliness.'

Widow advising a man that men often owe their success to the beauty and social charm of their wife.

"He came out from behind his desk. We got 'em."

"Remember, it could spoil the whole evening if you mention the smell of decomposing flesh coming from their basement."