Social Cynic Gifts

"Families depress me."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

The Forever Stamp

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."