Social Cue Detective Gifts

"This is where his inability to read social cues truly manifests itself."

I'm not good with names but never forget a face. Of course, that's not very useful right now.

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

"...then click 'save settings', scroll down to 'done' and voila! You're on Facebook stalking Miriam's daughter's new husband."

'Daddy, why is that man wearing a blank T-shirt?'

'Now that we've evolved, we should work on our people skills.'

"There she is! Don’t be nervous. Just be yourself, walk over there and sniff her."

"Their entire planet is coated in things called doodads, tchotchkes, trinkets, knick-knacks, bric-a-brac, and clutter."

'How can we be so sure it's a fake, gentlemen - she isn't smiling!'

I CAME. I FOLLOWED. I COMMENTED. I SHARED.

Boss, the health inspector is here. Excellent. My hacker just finished restoring all the inspector's social media posts dating back to 1994. Tell him "It'd be a shame if someone's career were ruined by a 20-year-old video of him doing the Macarena in the buff." Don't wink too much. But not too little, either. Very bad man.

'Oh, and remember, Sir, whatever you do, please don't go staring at Mr. Winterhouse's glass eye.'

'She always comes to my ringtone. It's the sound of a can opener.'

'I let Facebook and My-Space do most of the leg work. I just park outside houses wearing a trilby.'

"You did very well on your I.Q. test. You're a man of 49 with the intelligence of a man of 53."

"I hate it when they dress you with their eyes."

'Ghah. They've moved everything round again.'

'We've finally computerized your files. Now we just have to get them off Facebook.'

'Kurtz isn't so bad until you get to know him.'

'Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid of, and the following generation buys again.'

"Helene tells me you're into fabrics."

"You'll always be a second tier friend to me."

'So, what's to smile about?'

"Stay focused, man. We're on a search for Big Foot."

"He's old money, but, unfortunately, minus the money."

"Keep your eyes open for one of those little stores that don't exist anymore."

"If you hate Mandy so much, why do you follow her?"

"There's no way in hell this is what it's all about."

'It was a complete surprise when the table-setting police arrived. I had no idea I was doing it wrong.'

'Unconscious ' person on street (part of psychology experiment)

"I'm going to find out who's [naughty emoji] and [nice emoji]."

'You are loyal, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient and cheerful...'

"Why, you poor child. You're running right over to Brooks Brothers."

Even When the Election Is Canceled, It's Boring

I keep reading all these stories about virtual reality nookie. It just sounds horrible. It takes all the best parts of it: Seeing someone for the first time