Social Media Detective Gifts

'I let Facebook and My-Space do most of the leg work. I just park outside houses wearing a trilby.'

'I noticed you sent an e-mail to your friend Nancy saying that I was nosy.'

'We've finally computerized your files. Now we just have to get them off Facebook.'

"I'm going to find out who's [naughty emoji] and [nice emoji]."

"...then click 'save settings', scroll down to 'done' and voila! You're on Facebook stalking Miriam's daughter's new husband."

Even When the Election Is Canceled, It's Boring

Boss, the health inspector is here. Excellent. My hacker just finished restoring all the inspector's social media posts dating back to 1994. Tell him "It'd be a shame if someone's career were ruined by a 20-year-old video of him doing the Macarena in the buff." Don't wink too much. But not too little, either. Very bad man.

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

'If you have any complaints, can you come to me first before you post them on myspace.com?'

"Nice fake Facebook account, Stacy! If you're scared, get a dog!"

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

Alternative Medicine

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'See, dear, you can't believe everything you read. It says so right here on the internet!'

The new Physics

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

Hidden Facebook Features

Facebook in the Boxing Ring

"If this is secret information the government doesn't want us to know, how come we can read about it on facebook?"

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

"They'll never guess how we stole their data."

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

'Now that we've evolved, we should work on our people skills.'

Fakebook

"To whom am I speaking? Your real personality or the one you have online?"

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

The Darknet starts right here.

"Extra! Extra! Stream all about it! It’s extra, so you may not need it, especially if you looked at your phone recently."

"What's the word I'm looking for?" "What's the word I'm looking for?" "What's the word I'm looking for?"

Berlitz guide to Scamese

'Tell me something about yourself that I haven't Googled.'

"People are always whining about food labelling, but there's NOTHING that ANYONE with a reasonable chemistry degree and maybe a PhD in pharmacology wouldn't with a little effort, be able to understand....At least a little."