Smart Aleck Humor Pillows

"But heat rises, so it's cold down here."

Schrodinger's Black Box

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

It is said there is a black hole in the middle of the galaxy. But heaven knows what it looks like!

"Underweird bras."

'It's not what you think. It's not about our liberation.'

Flan-eating bacteria

'Carl Jung loses it...' 'don't tell me I made a Freudian slip - it's a Jungian slip!'

'Remove the fur and claws and these genetically engineered apples taste just fine.'

'This should succeed...it's not aimed at anything.'

"Ever killed a man?"

"Surprisingly, the soil samples provide new evidence for the 'giant ball of cheese' hypothesis."

"I cloned myself to take care of my Thanksgiving duties while I watch football in peace."

"Just our luck. We finalyy conquer space travel only to be consumed by a wormhole."

'Can you believe it? - This hayseed doesn't even know which GALAXY we're in!'

'Take it from me, and come back. The future is definitely on land.'

Zika Epidemic

"Is that it? Is that the Grand Unified Theory?"

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

Anthropomorphism Laboratory.

'Please don't encourage them: Stop trying to communicate with them...'

"Let me know if that level of medication is effective. And if we need to, we can give some to the student as well."

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

Sunglasses - Perfect for normal sun, white dwarfs, red giants.

"What already?! If it weren't for my extraordinary willpower, I'd be exercising right now!"

"Sadie, they found a planet orbiting Proxima Centauri. That makes way over 1,000 planets we've discovered in my lifetime." "It must be exciting for you, discovering there are 1,000 worlds full of people who can't possibly know what a doofus you are." "...Unless they've got telescopes." "It is exciting. Now I know how you must've felt when Oog the Caveman discovered Venus." "I see you're bringing what passes for your 'A-game' today."

"If you have an emergency, use this pepper spray."

"The body is eighty-two-per-cent broth."

"There it is! There's the evidence Mars once had a lake!"

'This is what happens when you mess about with nature.'

Check out my six pack.

Big Bark Theory (canine version of the origin of the universe)

'Why did Oliver Twist?'

In the end, Pluto turned out to be a much smaller planet than originally thought.