Slim-seeker T-Shirts

'My trick for looking slimmer is to only have friends who are fatter than me - not you, of course...'

"Uh-oh. My inner GPS is recalculating."

"It seemed like miles to me!"

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

"It's the only way I can justify buying so many shoes."

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

International Monetary Conference in Paris- Silver Currency an Unsound Footing

"I'm not very scary now, but I will be if I don't get candy."

Shrink

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

"To be honest...if it wasn't for the dog I wouldn't get any exercise at all!"

"Couldn't you have waited till she was smiling before you injected the botox?"

I'm home! Where are my pipe and slippers? At the tobacco shop and the shoe store, respectively.

Whole foods versus 'hole foods'.

'I'm working off Saturday's sundae.'

'Okay, let's try it one more time...slippers...slippers....'

'This sugar substitute is perfect except for one thing. It's salty.'

"A guy in 'recovery' wants to buy your slippers."

'You know that thin person inside you, struggling to get out? -- He seems to have gained weight, too.'

Toboggan Hitchhiker

'Any improvement?' - 'Yes, my arms are getting longer.'

Taxi

"So what's your success rate?"

'You'd better cut it into six pieces I don't think I could eat eight!'

"We're not dividing the bill. We're dividing the calories. Two people had cheesecake..."

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

"Pace yourself, Mother."

Tony's dog always brought him to his slippers.

"I don't think I could fit another slice in...oh, hold on."

Dog fetching clown shoes (colour version).

"If a bowl of ice cream isn't the answer, you're asking the wrong question."

'Diets are easy, I've been on loads of them.'

'I can't understand why I don't lose weight.. I walk five miles a day.'

'Oh, isn't he clever? He's brought you your slippers.'