Slim-seeker Pillows

'My trick for looking slimmer is to only have friends who are fatter than me - not you, of course...'

"It seemed like miles to me!"

"Uh-oh. My inner GPS is recalculating."

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

International Monetary Conference in Paris- Silver Currency an Unsound Footing

"Couldn't you have waited till she was smiling before you injected the botox?"

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

"To be honest...if it wasn't for the dog I wouldn't get any exercise at all!"

"I'm not very scary now, but I will be if I don't get candy."

Shrink

Whole foods versus 'hole foods'.

'I'm working off Saturday's sundae.'

'Okay, let's try it one more time...slippers...slippers....'

"So what's your success rate?"

'This sugar substitute is perfect except for one thing. It's salty.'

'Any improvement?' - 'Yes, my arms are getting longer.'

Taxi

'You know that thin person inside you, struggling to get out? -- He seems to have gained weight, too.'

"A guy in 'recovery' wants to buy your slippers."

Toboggan Hitchhiker

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

'You'd better cut it into six pieces I don't think I could eat eight!'

"Pace yourself, Mother."

"We're not dividing the bill. We're dividing the calories. Two people had cheesecake..."

Tony's dog always brought him to his slippers.

Dog fetching clown shoes (colour version).

"If a bowl of ice cream isn't the answer, you're asking the wrong question."

'Diets are easy, I've been on loads of them.'

'Oh, isn't he clever? He's brought you your slippers.'

'I can't understand why I don't lose weight.. I walk five miles a day.'

"How's the diet going?"