Slick Talker Pillows

"I'm the most pathetic man on earth."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

Bryan Ferry

"Snow White swears by these 10 products for flawless beauty."

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

'May I have the key to your heart?'

Cheap amusement with... THE HAPPY COUPLE!

I'll admit I haven't been waiting all my life to meet you, but I have waited through a rough pencil sketch, the inking process and Photoshop lettering. Surely that's worth something! !?!

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"So, do you walk the talk? Replete the tweet? Sext the text?"

'Thanks for the order, Mr Barnes and I want you to think of me as your friend.'

'Correct me if I'm wrong.' (Everyone holds their hand up).

'There is a kid at school who can play 'Jingle Bells' with his farts. That is impressive because flatulence is a difficult medium.'

How the Easter Bunny lets everyone know where the naughty kids live.

The Language of Love

Hal is such a nice guy, every dog in the neighborhood brings him slippers.

"It's discretionary income but I occasionally use it for indiscretions."

'Did anyone ever tell you that you look lovely under the glow of these energy saver lights?'

"So you're saying if I wasn't so smart, I'd have more friends?"

That's a shame. What's a shame? Did I do something wrong, officer? TSA. Yes, you did. You let your boyfriend turn you down. So what if he's 15,000 miles away in Russia? If I were your man, I'd never let that stop me. I would fly to the ends of the earth for you. This routing ever work for you? Good lord this routine must work for you.

You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that? Many times. How would you like to be the "after" image in my new ad touting the health benefits of our new nonfat kale macchiato. Let me guess: You'd also like an old picture of me where I was weak and puny, so you can claim that's the "before" picture. Don't worry, I've got that part covered. Something about you looked different today, Rudy. Would you like fries with that observation?

"Coco, stop eating your food properly and play with it like your brothers!"

'I'm getting ready for mating season.'

'They're fine through the day, but when I leave work the little one goes 'wee wee wee' all the way home.'

"Boss, there's a rumor going around that someone lost a $1,000 bill in the cafe. There are like 200 people out there." "Interesting. And I assume they're all looking for the $1,000 bill. I assume they don't want anyone else to know about it before they find it." "I assume each of them is buying our food and drink so the others won't suspect they're here with ulterior motives." "I wonder who could have possibly spread such a rumor in the first place?" "Very bad man."

"Are you talking to amoeba?"

'For the last time: no, you could not interest me in a cold fusion experiment!'

Women pro tennis players having a conversation

"You look so beautiful. Twinkling in the moonlight."

'And not only do we think you were lying when you told us Larry went on a winter vacation, we think you had something to do with it!'

Detox meets Botox.

"I prefer to think of it as travel size."

"Compliments of the gentleman who obviously has no issues with rejection."

"Sure you remember me. I'm the guy who collapsed here last night... right in front of your... and had to be rushed to the hospital."

"You say the nicest things. . . and perfectly sober as well."