Sleepless Satirist Gifts

'It's these sleeper terrorists, doctor. They're keeping me awake at night.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Sock Puppet in Literature

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

'Secondhand smoke.'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

William Makepeace Thackeray.

The downside of the cupcake bed.

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

Waiting Room For Godot.

'Don't believe everything you read.'

"Today is my second birthday and I wanted to let you know that I intend to take full advantage of my terrible twos!"

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

"Look, if it wasn’t me and it wasn’t you, who was doing all the snoring?!"

"He was murdered with one of the rejection slips he sent."

'It's your turn, dear.'

'To be or not to be . . . contingent on royal funding.'

'How can you sleep at night?'

'Poet Laureate' door 'Gone to lunch-back twixt 2 &3'

'I see London, I see France, I see your big distended scald-red ass.'

"What time should we wake him for breakfast?"

"I've been toiling for months to write the great American tweet."

'Dracula watches his first late night horror show.'

Woman uses birds to help her believe she has lost weight.

"This book is the future of literature. It is paper-free to help save the planet and completely free of words and images so no one is offended."

'I'll publish it if you include a character obviously based on me.'

John Bunyan and Alfred Deakin

My new year's resolution is to write a best-selling novel. Did you know "50 Shades of Grey" started out as fan fiction about that vampire book "Twilight"? I just need to repeat that formula: write fan fiction about a popular book and then just change all the names when I'm done. That way, my book will appeal to that same audience and they won't even know why. Which "popular book" are you going to write fan fiction about? "50 Shades of Grey." Only I'll change the names to "Bella" and "Edward," an

'It's bad news I'm afraid,we're asprins'

Who's who - Who's googled

"I should like to buy a handgun while it is still legal," said Alice very gently.

Slower than a rubber-tipped arrow,as powerful as a wind-up choo-choo, unable to step over his shoelaces, it's Copyright Free Man!

"And the important thing is to make sure you wake them up EVERY HOUR during the night."