Sleepless Satirist T-Shirts

'It's these sleeper terrorists, doctor. They're keeping me awake at night.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Sock Puppet in Literature

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

'Secondhand smoke.'

William Makepeace Thackeray.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

The downside of the cupcake bed.

Waiting Room For Godot.

'Don't believe everything you read.'

"Look, if it wasn’t me and it wasn’t you, who was doing all the snoring?!"

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

"He was murdered with one of the rejection slips he sent."

'It's your turn, dear.'

'To be or not to be . . . contingent on royal funding.'

'How can you sleep at night?'

'I see London, I see France, I see your big distended scald-red ass.'

'Poet Laureate' door 'Gone to lunch-back twixt 2 &3'

John Bunyan and Alfred Deakin

"This book is the future of literature. It is paper-free to help save the planet and completely free of words and images so no one is offended."

'Dracula watches his first late night horror show.'

'I'll publish it if you include a character obviously based on me.'

"What time should we wake him for breakfast?"

"I've been toiling for months to write the great American tweet."

Woman uses birds to help her believe she has lost weight.

"I should like to buy a handgun while it is still legal," said Alice very gently.

Slower than a rubber-tipped arrow,as powerful as a wind-up choo-choo, unable to step over his shoelaces, it's Copyright Free Man!

"And the important thing is to make sure you wake them up EVERY HOUR during the night."