Sleep-deprived Comedian Gifts

"Today is my second birthday and I wanted to let you know that I intend to take full advantage of my terrible twos!"

'I didn't get the Owners Manual. I thought you got the Owners Manual.'

The downside of the cupcake bed.

"Look, if it wasn’t me and it wasn’t you, who was doing all the snoring?!"

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"I'm so tired: Joey was tossing and turning in his sleep the whole night and kept waking me up..."

'It's your turn, dear.'

'Peel is sleeping badly.' - 'He seems very bright.' - 'Yes.' - 'Bright babies often sleep badly.' - 'Waaaaah!' - 'I want a thick baby.' - 'Zzzzzzz'

'It's these sleeper terrorists, doctor. They're keeping me awake at night.'

"What time should we wake him for breakfast?"

'And don't bother your father. He tossed and turned all winter.'

"How's the insomnia?"

'I'm not asking you to lie - I'm just asking you to go insane.'

"Oh Oh . . . Looks like our five o'clock wake up call is here!"

"And the important thing is to make sure you wake them up EVERY HOUR during the night."

Toddler in the bed: a journey

"Just go already!" "One could scarcely desire more delightful conditions for a nocturnal ramble..."

'We're both dog-tired.'

"Crawford's hard at work, I see!"

Please tell me you were sleepswimming again.

'I've got to do something about my insomnia. I didn't sleep a wink at work today.'

'My fitness tracker only logged three hours of sleep last night, but so far today I'm at five hours of day dreaming.'

Things my cat says at 3 am

'Mom, did you know that if you turn the clock upside down, '4:45' spells 'Shh?''

"I had a bad dream that you were getting rest."

"I can't remember how to fall asleep. What do you have for insomnesia?"

"A child is like coffee. It's easy to make, but then won't let you sleep."

"How long before we can tell him we're exhausted?"

'I'll call you back. I'm sleepwalking.'

'I told you not to drink coffee before hibernating!'

"They were great snorers."

'Why can't you count sheep like everyone else?'

Guys, I still can't sleep. I can't stop worrying. The caf