Slaughterhouse Worker Gifts

Moral outrage of the British public

'No! Kill me first!'

Fats' career had really hit the skids: the butcher, the grocer, the slaughterhouse - nobody wanted him anymore.

'This is going to hurt me than it does you.'

The unsuspecting.

'Well Alice. Now do you know what cull means?'

The bad news is that there was an accident yesterday. The good news is that the sausages are free today.'

"We need to deliver urgently but the machine is broken and we can't find the technician. . . could you please. . ."

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

'Wake up, dear...did you order extra milk?!'

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

Countervailing Clichés.

"Sorry, that's not my table."