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Life Store Guide: Make-up and jewellery

A new you. 'First, you've got to stop lying about you age.' It didn't start off well.

"Snow White swears by these 10 products for flawless beauty."

"Eternally youthful complexion? Here's the deal. Never go out in the sun. Never eat dessert. And, for God's sake, don't smile."

"That product you are using is fantastic. Your eye bags are gone."

'This facial cream is called 'High Definition'...it brings out beauty in sharp, wonderful detail.'

'Apply that ointment as directed and call me if the growth does not reduce or it starts to talk.'

Desert Dermatologist

"Mirror, mirror on the wall ... what the heck is up with my hair?"

Sunburn lotion, Windburn lotion.

"Yikes! So many foundations, so little time."

'As pizza maker, maybe a skin care products site isn't the best idea for an affiliate site.'

'Doctor, how can I prevent wrinkles? Don't sleep in your clothes.'

Tips on how to reduce those unsightly crow's feet.

"Stop your whining: as a teenage toad, I had to deal not only with acne, but with warts too..."

'Crikey, you've got to have good eye-sight to look through those glasses, haven't you?'

"Believe me, you never looked better since you fell into that vast of skin cream."

'There was no more putting it off; breast reduction time.'

"Apricot pit?! Are you kidding, Mister? This stuff knocks raw avocado and almond nut outta the water!!!"

"How come your skin is sooooo smooth?"

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

"Well sir. . . you could have a crew cut, flat top, a stiff quiff, a hi-top fade. . . "

'Believe me, sweetie, if I thought the 'Wrinkle Out' setting on the clothes dryer would work...'

"The perfume is only £20, the antidote is £250!"

'Mildred....is that you?'

Dating is so expensive...

Mooseturizer: Tired of those annoying Dry and Chafed antlers?

Obstetrics, Gynecology and Waxing.

Tanning salons to avoid. . .

'These facial wraps work great on dead skin.'

'I am reluctant to offer plastic surgery at this time, Miss Caterpillar: Why don't you let Nature take its course?'

The world's most successful beauty blogger...

'It's more like a very good used you.'