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Life Store Guide: Make-up and jewellery

A new you. 'First, you've got to stop lying about you age.' It didn't start off well.

"Snow White swears by these 10 products for flawless beauty."

"Eternally youthful complexion? Here's the deal. Never go out in the sun. Never eat dessert. And, for God's sake, don't smile."

"That product you are using is fantastic. Your eye bags are gone."

'This facial cream is called 'High Definition'...it brings out beauty in sharp, wonderful detail.'

'Apply that ointment as directed and call me if the growth does not reduce or it starts to talk.'

Desert Dermatologist

"Mirror, mirror on the wall ... what the heck is up with my hair?"

Sunburn lotion, Windburn lotion.

'As pizza maker, maybe a skin care products site isn't the best idea for an affiliate site.'

"Yikes! So many foundations, so little time."

'Doctor, how can I prevent wrinkles? Don't sleep in your clothes.'

"Stop your whining: as a teenage toad, I had to deal not only with acne, but with warts too..."

"Believe me, you never looked better since you fell into that vast of skin cream."

"Apricot pit?! Are you kidding, Mister? This stuff knocks raw avocado and almond nut outta the water!!!"

'There was no more putting it off; breast reduction time.'

"How come your skin is sooooo smooth?"

Tips on how to reduce those unsightly crow's feet.

'Crikey, you've got to have good eye-sight to look through those glasses, haven't you?'

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

'Believe me, sweetie, if I thought the 'Wrinkle Out' setting on the clothes dryer would work...'

"Well sir. . . you could have a crew cut, flat top, a stiff quiff, a hi-top fade. . . "

"The perfume is only £20, the antidote is £250!"

'Mildred....is that you?'

Dating is so expensive...

'It's more like a very good used you.'

The world's most successful beauty blogger...

Jesus As A Teenager Clears The Temple. . .

Mooseturizer: Tired of those annoying Dry and Chafed antlers?

'I am reluctant to offer plastic surgery at this time, Miss Caterpillar: Why don't you let Nature take its course?'

Tanning salons to avoid. . .

Twig! Please come into my bathroom! Have you been using my makeup? You're paranoid! Everything is in its place. Why would you accuse me? Just a hunch.

'These facial wraps work great on dead skin.'