Sketchy Humorist Gifts

'Hope you don't mind the boxing gloves. I'm no good at hands.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

"Gee, thanks pal."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

Glance Exchange

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"How about a hand."

"It's just a tree."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."