Single Life Observer Gifts

"Keep an eye on Old Bound Volume of Harpers. He's on the make."

"You've never been in a committed relationship. And you have the nerve to call me feral?"

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'In general, do the right thing.'

"Life: play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, first love, brief happiness, breakup, regret, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, play, work, play, w

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

Life and Death

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

"I don't remember him or the meal or what movie we saw. All I remember is I wore the right jeans."

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"Beats me how pregnancy has survived into the modern era. There's no reception desk, product guarantee nor customer service department!"

"He was much more effective in the field."

"I need a more interactive you."

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

'Have you ever noticed that as you get older, your thin things get thicker and your thick things get thicker?'

"And the tech guy said not to worry if I lost my phone. There's an app for that..."

Maternity Hospital

All You Can Tweet Restaurant.

Mice 25¢

Sooner or later, 'These trying times' become 'The good ol' days'.'

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

"Your sister got another promotion."

"It was a scary few minutes but now I'm making a fortune as a motivation speaker."

I've always said ignorance is bliss, but what do I know?

"Someone just pinched my mobile phone"

I have a video phone and I'm not afraid to use it.

And make sure my daughter is back by 10pm: You really don't want to see me angry!

Sorry, I don't play footsie on the first date. Neither do I. I guess that leaves rats.

Old Yarns

"Better safe than sorry, son."

Chair massages.