Single And Fit Pillows

"Well, once again I find myself all pumped up with no place to go."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

'These fit just right. Do you have anything too tight?'

'Hello, Robinson Crusoe here, I'd like my kitchen finished by Friday.'

'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?'

Speed Dating Disasters

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

Wedding - throw the bouquet and the little black book.

"Being a refrigerator magnet is fine, but I wish, for just one day, I could be a chick magnet."

'Complements of the big smelly gentleman.'

'You look lovely, but we need to lengthen your train a bit...'

"I used to think maybe I was the problem but then I realized she was just a bitch."

He's Tasty!

"Whew! At last, I can eat!"

"He's your type--gorgeous, successful, and totally unavailable."

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

Closing Laugh Singles Bar

"So, when are you gonna find a woman?"

Woman seeks male companion...

"Will you stop doing that please? Isn't it obvious to you that I just don't fancy him?!"

Northern chat up lines: 'You don't sweat much for a fat lass'

I knitted him for you..

"I tried being myself, but it wasn't getting me anywhere."

Single and Offended

'If you can't get a doctor, dear, at least try to marry a quack.'

'The date didn't go too well. I should have taken her to a place that had more challenging placemats.'

Closing time, and a man and a woman are checking each other out across the bar: 'Slim pickings.' 'Fat chance.'

"I've tried all the search engines, from Yahoo to Google, but so far none of them are able to find Mr. Right!"

"Of course, all the good ones are fixed."

'Your dating profile was right. You really do know how to show a girl a good time.'

"How much do you want to take out? How much do you weigh?"

'Still no boyfriend, Enda couldn't shake off her man eating image'

"Please bear with me. I'm only recently back on the singles scene."

"I need a man transplant."

The Loneliest Archaeologist