Single And Fit Pillows

"Well, once again I find myself all pumped up with no place to go."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

'These fit just right. Do you have anything too tight?'

'Hello, Robinson Crusoe here, I'd like my kitchen finished by Friday.'

'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?'

Wedding - throw the bouquet and the little black book.

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

Speed Dating Disasters

"Being a refrigerator magnet is fine, but I wish, for just one day, I could be a chick magnet."

Parkour for the over-40s.

'Complements of the big smelly gentleman.'

'You look lovely, but we need to lengthen your train a bit...'

He's Tasty!

"I used to think maybe I was the problem but then I realized she was just a bitch."

"Whew! At last, I can eat!"

"He's your type--gorgeous, successful, and totally unavailable."

Closing Laugh Singles Bar

"Will you stop doing that please? Isn't it obvious to you that I just don't fancy him?!"

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

Northern chat up lines: 'You don't sweat much for a fat lass'

"So, when are you gonna find a woman?"

Woman seeks male companion...

I knitted him for you..

'If you can't get a doctor, dear, at least try to marry a quack.'

Single and Offended

"I tried being myself, but it wasn't getting me anywhere."

'The date didn't go too well. I should have taken her to a place that had more challenging placemats.'

Closing time, and a man and a woman are checking each other out across the bar: 'Slim pickings.' 'Fat chance.'

"I need a man transplant."

Why so sad? All my friends are divorced and I'm not even married!

"I've tried all the search engines, from Yahoo to Google, but so far none of them are able to find Mr. Right!"

"How much do you want to take out? How much do you weigh?"

'Your dating profile was right. You really do know how to show a girl a good time.'

"Of course, all the good ones are fixed."

The Loneliest Archaeologist