Sincere Schemer T-Shirts

"When I win the lottery, I'll be an agent of goodness...giving every last penny to needy children, the homeless, and the sick and destitute of the world."

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"Well, I finally figured out why we were going to the vet so often for check ups! He finally plucked up the courage to ask her out!"

'You're closer to the Big Guy than anyone. Will you help us kill him?'

“Son, that… ‘some this will all be yours’… is now!”

"My assistant is more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy."

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

'let's see if we can find any loopholes in this 'honesty-is-the-best-policy' nonsense.'

"It's a setup."

'Do you want to be red Tory or blue Labour?'

'Damn, I just love this new problem solving tool!'

'We've decided to foreclose on Paraguay, Ferguson -- Get down there and take the place over.'

"Look, let's just say I haven't seen anything, Charlie hasn't heard anything, and Tom hasn't said anything."

'Just tell him you've been good. Don't overdo it.'

'You'r either having trouble hearing, or there's a boy you want to be closer to.'

"So, are we singing from the same hymnbook?"

"I'm doing my part to conserve electricity."

'Danae...you seem to spend twice the time and energy in avoiding your schoolwork than it would take to actually do the work...How far do you expect that'll get you in life?'

Old man stealing sand from a sand box for child

Valentine Comix

"Doing chores is very stimulating. I'm always thinking of ways to avoid them."

'I'm getting ready for mating season.'

'I'm always thinking of my fellow man - that's how I stay ahead of him.'

Boy standing on 'The Joy of Sex' book.

'Find out if she would have like me if I hadn't asked so many people.'

"May I have your attention? For Christmas, all I want is for everyone to write a note on how smart, charming and social I am. I'm collecting college reference letters before I enter my terrible teens."

Agent with security case proposes to girlfriend with ring that has a tiny security case chained to it.

Robert Macaire as a Matrimonial Agent

"I was thinking more of a leap-year wedding."

'We're looking to expand our globalization into countries that don't extradite.'

"This is an imaginative expenses claim. I wish we could use those skills of yours in the business."

Fake it with Flowers.

In. Out. Destroyed without my knowledge.