Saintly Schemer T-Shirts

'Just tell him you've been good. Don't overdo it.'

"Well, I finally figured out why we were going to the vet so often for check ups! He finally plucked up the courage to ask her out!"

"That's the preacher's dog."

"If anyone should ask, I was in my doggy bed from 7 p.m. to midnight. Understand?"

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

"It's a setup."

"I'm doing my part to conserve electricity."

Valentine Comix

"Doing chores is very stimulating. I'm always thinking of ways to avoid them."

Gracie hatches a plan to trap Santa.

'I'm getting ready for mating season.'

"My reasons for asking for a raise are wholly unselfish. I wish to marry your daughter!"

Boy standing on 'The Joy of Sex' book.

Revenge on Santa

'So! THis is what you do all day.'

Well yes, I'm quite clever: I have over twenty patents to my name...

"I'm moving all the money from our rainy day account into a slush fund."

"I was thinking more of a leap-year wedding."

Agent with security case proposes to girlfriend with ring that has a tiny security case chained to it.

"I have a rich and generous son who wants to contribute to the heavenly fund."

"May I have your attention? For Christmas, all I want is for everyone to write a note on how smart, charming and social I am. I'm collecting college reference letters before I enter my terrible teens."

Robert Macaire as a Matrimonial Agent

Fake it with Flowers.

Cost of food in Cuba

It was clear that, once again, Lyle was not being nominated for sainthood.

'High interest rates won't stop me from shopping!'

"Are there any security cameras in the basement?"

"Before I say yes, my dad, who is a notary, wants to ask you about your plans for our future."

'Your teacher called and said the school concert tickets you sold me for $20 were free.'

"Now, do you see why I discourage employee fraternization, Tom!"

"The lab boys figured out how to change lead into gold. Now your job is to corner the lead market."

"It would be cool if we cooked up a couple of these at your place where nobody could see us."

How To Saint . . .

'Oh no! It's you again, madam!'