Silly Contest Fan Gifts

'Say when you want me to start!'

'Dogs are so silly: Just throw a ball or a stick and they'll chase it and bring it back!'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

The hare and the tortoise - the rematch.

'The employee who guesses closest to the correct number of beans in this jar will be awarded this year's annual pay increase! -Management, ATOZ Accountants

'Rhea of the Year.'

'It's just possible that the best candidate is the one who wins the Spoon Race.'

It had taken a team of engineers at IBM over a decade and had cost more than 50 million dollars, but that nigh, when Eat-Bot 4000 finally broke the record for hot dogs in an hour, it was all worth it.

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

'Congratulations. You're our 15th caller. The grant is yours!'

Woman on a Pedestal. . . Who Married the Mothers Boy.

Tug the Toggle

Has A Hole In It Venn Diagram

"Wow, 27, not bad! Me, I've ruined 53 surfing competitions..."

'The contest brought in only twenty two wrappers...'

"See. I told you they have Roomba Rodeos when we're gone."

Annual Lump Festival Competition:'I don't know if I can give an award, they're all so fantastic..'

"Lower and to the left...AHHHHH!"

'Uh oh. Cougar alert.'

I must say, that's the most pathetic bar promotion I've ever seen. Tuesdays! Wet Socks Contest!

'Good Now stuff that round thing in the hoop,,,, That's basketball,'

'Fairy friday.'

"Aside from the foot, do you think my parking's getting better?"

'I'm minding it for a friend.'

'I've always been a great fan of yours. I wrote all your books!'

The Apprentice

'You're excited about winning a traveling toothbrush kit in a sweepstakes after spending $300 on postage and entering 1,500 contests?'

Knobbly knees champion

'I must say, that's the most pathetic bar promotion I've ever seen.'

I think it's time, sweetheart. Definitely time, Pookie. Contest time. We want to rename Rudy's generation. Generation I - for impatient? Generation V - for virtual or vapid?! Send your suggestions to asksadieshow@gmail.com. (Winners will receive nothing but lots of it!)

Rudy, you wanna know possible names for your generation? Huh? The L-Generation for loser, the C-generation for clueless or connected, J for jerk or W for whiners. These readers suggestions all have something in common. None of them won the contest to name Rudy's generation. Not that we're taunting the non-winners. C'mon, taunt the losers!! Winner to be named any day now.

Staff Toothpick of the Month.

"Good news. We're the hundredth caller."

Infographic depiction of how everything works.

Angel Wins Publisher's Clearing House