Side Effect Saint Pillows

"Ernestine is trying to get St. Patrick to change his mind."

'Yeah, I know your idea of heaven is to play golf all day, but all we have is shuffleboard!'

"It's right here… Nov. 29th, 1981, at Elaine's… twelve percent."

'Before we begin, let's say a little prayer for humility.'

"Relax, I grade on the curve."

"The lost password department's that way."

"Hmmm...says here that you were in charge of your church's Puppet Ministry."

"He's very proud of his stomach's 'good bacteria'."

'Ferguson always was an overachiever.'

'I'm real sorry. It was all the 'blonde' jokes you told.'

"The tiny one treats the symptoms. The big one treats the side effects."

"Bad timing – he's in one of his Old testament moods today."

The Pope tweets

"I'm afraid we don't accept bribes here, sir."

"I wasn't responsible for those sins."

Proposed solution to repugnant and obsolete St. Patrick's Day parade: add more saints.

"You have a mask?"

"You'll soon get used to it, being deceased is fun."

'Pig flu??!'

Monk

St Ninian, patron saint of hypochondriacs

'Oh yes. It's mentioned here, under side-effects.'

'We NEVER let bygones be bygones!'

The Ascension of the Rose of Lima

'I'd buy her a drink, but I don't think I can do that up here.'

How To Saint . . .

"I remember behavior like that being followed by fire and brimstone."

We don't have a 'reasonable doubt' rule up here!

Saint Peter using a security screening.

"Let's get to know him. He's being fast tracked to sainthood."

"Don't you sometimes wish that maybe you had been just a little bit naughtier in your former life?"

"When I found out I couldn't take it with me, I left it all to charity."

'What do you mean, your church didn't give you a password?'

"Open your mouth so I can take a DNA sample."