Showstopper Gifts

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

Attention-Seeking Missile

I didn't dress this way to go unnoticed

'Mind if I wear it to the door? I want to test audience reaction.'

Ernie is producing a new TV show! Contestant musicians play their national anthem, and judges pick winners in various categories. Some of the anthems we'll hear on the next show are "O Canada" from Canada ... "Jana Gana Mana" from India ... "Meda Dau Doka" from Fiji ... "Patria Amada" from Mozambique ... and "God Save the Queen" from the United Kingdom! Ernie, I think your show is very good ... but you create some confusion by calling it "The Country Music Awards."

Bette Middler.

'Hurry it up, will you? We're on in five minutes!'

'That's not the sort of request I meant, Madam, and anyway it's physically impossible!'

"For my first trick, I will kiss every girl in the audience!"

Woman crying with happiness.

"I'm getting really tired of this cancel culture."

Mic Drop

Mic drop

'I love the mountains and all, but I simply can't do this....I'm just too chicken.'

Rap-scallions

TV Situations vacant.

A Successful Wedding Party Returns From the Hunt

'We've decided to babysit for you, while you go out to a late-night show.'

Don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Worthington.

TV Producers Workshop. The first goal of a series to avoid cancellation long enough to issue a DVD set. Get boxed before you get canned!

'Your performance review is next Tuesday. You're allowed to bring a guitar and up to three backup singers.'

'It's a whole new twist - a straight-laced detective who does everything by the book.'

"Not sure what to watch? Go to menu/settings/power/off/pick up a book."

'So let this be a lesson to you Courtney, 'there's no people like showpeople!''

"Tonight's performance has been canceled, because the star of our show has decided that musicals are stupid."

"Congratulations! It's a sitcom!"

Harvey Smith.

'Looks like the work of the infamous international frequent flyer burglar - Better dust for carbon finger prints!'

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

Sir, bad news. I don't like getting bad news. A new radio program called Ask Sadie is getting huge ratings. Do I own it? That's the bad news. I see. Time to buy Ask Sadie. Queue sinister music. Can you guess?

Policeman painting vandals with 'anti-vandal paint' instead of painting the walls.

Suspicious Person Ban.

"Thank you! And now for my finale, I shall produce a magician from the hat."

'Best save I've ever seen.'

"You should've called me sooner!"