Shopper's Survivor Pillows

"Hunger and thirst were bad. . . some people around me collapsed. . . and by the time I got home the kids were grown up and my wife had long since remarried. . . well, Ed. . . that was one hell of a long cash desk queue!"

"It was terrifying experience being faced with that kind of compulsive, insane behaviour...I tell you it's positively the last time I put foot in the sales!"

Mother threatening to gag her baby.

Smart card.

"I know I should have gotten a cart, but I can't give up now."

Black Friday - the day the retailer is crucified

'There was a slight accident in shop class. I welded my braces together.'

On the catwalk it looked elegant and sexy! What happened?

You know retail is in a bad way when...

"Why does your men's clothing store need a loan?" "During the pandemic sales of pants have dropped way off."

Supermarket 'Men, temporary lobotomy patch'

"We've got an emergency out here, Doctor - a compulsive shopper with buyer's remorse!"

Shopping Torture

Customer Service - I don't know and I don't care.

Till malfunction

"I balance my manic compulsive buying with manic buyer's remorse."

'And what seems to be wrong with the sprayer, sir?'

Man is attacked by barcodes.

'Dried meat, survival set, folding spade... okay. Now I'm ready to go shopping with you.'

Welcome to the real world. What just happened? Where am I? The Mall. The Mall. We've been shopping – in person. Not the kind of shopping where you order things on your phone and have them sent to your house. this is the jungle! And you didn't last five minutes! You were laid out by some geezer hustling to the grocery section to get a special deal on prune juice! E-commerce has made you soft! I've got a scratch on my iPhone.

The back-to-school shopping season claims its first victim.

'SHOP!!!'

'Urgent customer announcement. Is there an EPOS systems programmer in the shop?'

"We save all the original packaging in case we have to return something."

"Don't, son – once they cross over into meats, they're out of our jurisdiction."

"Get a move on, my tranquillizer is wearing off!"

'They didn't fit when you got them home? Maybe your contents settled during shipping?'

Mother has strait jacket on son to control him at super market.

Complaints department

'We both know that you didn't catch that in the wild, sweety. Now put the fish in the cart, and go grab us some of that really soft toilet paper.'

The Store That's All Closed-Up

Woman trying on clothes and ripping them - Breakages to be paid for.

'Do these pants make me look fat?'

The customer is always right, but that fact has no standing in law.

"Money talks. It says, 'spend me'."