Sheet Selector Gifts

"Decide who you are, Wanona, before you buy sheets."

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

"I need to see your budget proposal."

"I can always tell when Philip is working on family finances. A 'cursor' appears on both sides of the computer screen."

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

But under a different accounting convention ...

'We need to change the introduction to our annual report. What's another word for bankrupt?'

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"It boils down to which I dislike more: ironing shirts or non-iron shirts."

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

'And that's with massaging the numbers!'

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

'Good news! It looks as though the $50 million loss we expected to show is going to be a $30 million profit. You know, we should have hired a government accountant as our chief financial officer years ago.'

'So, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the financial report is approved.'

'I think you'll find these projections somewhat exaggerated, but in a good way.'

business

Company profit making scheme - Jenkins, you owe us £327.95.

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

Sales

'We're in good shape. Nobody understands our financial statement.'

"Oh, that three billion dollars."

I can read this audit, but HOW should I read it...What is my MOTIVATION, how do I bring these figures to life,make them sing!... Colin often wondered whether accountancy had been the right career choice for him

"We're hoping for an upturn in the 5th quarter."

"I've downsized."

'We've gone through your books and we demand payment in cash.'

"Good news! Accounting just upgraded our numbers from 'good' to 'really good'."

'Hang on a minute! We forgot to write down that check number in the giant register...'

'We've always needed an accounting magician.'