Sharp Sighted Humorist Gifts

"Eagle Eye" Eddie would often ace his eye exams from the waiting room.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

The opera - 'Please, sir, give us your ticket, if you ain;t a-goin' in again.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Large print e-book.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Three card brag - I'm great! I'm really handsome & I'm very rich.

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

Gustav Holst

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'You say you're having trouble seeing into the future'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Have we looked as though we know what it is, for long enough yet?"

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.