Shakespearean Actor Gifts

"I knew Yorick also. He gave me diarrhea."

'Romeo, Romeo, wi-fi art thou, Romeo...'

Shepherd and eurydice

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"Bond James, Bond."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"To torture an insect or not to torture an insect, that is the question."

They hated me.

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"These aren’t the droids you’re looking for."

Showbiz Awards

Benedict Cumberbatch

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

12 O'clock was 'I'm a tractor time.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." - Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics.

"How long will we, the descendants of wolves, be content with table scraps and belly rubs?"

A fairy with wand and crown in pink tutu

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

'They all want to play the star.'

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

'How are the ventriloquist lessons going?'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

If time travel was invented in 1600 in England. I'm a fan of the bard. Let's see if he wants to take a journey through time. Globe Theater. Sounds fun! Let's go to 2020. It's a nice round number. Zazzz! Poof! That's weird. How did they know he was coming? And why does he need to leave this place? Apparently you can't be here, William. The sign says "No Shakespeare in the park this summer."

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."