Service Attendee Gifts

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"So, you want me to go all the way back to the kitchen just to get you a menu...? Couldn't I just give you a link to our, online menu?!"

"He says he's been sending you messages from beyond the grave but it's possible they're going straight into your junk folder."

R.C.I.A.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

"The Pastor requested that no decaf be served. The congregation is nodding off during service."

"What do you mean the message wasn't directed at me, the Pastor said my full name three times!"

'Hey, the Preacher is talking about you Dad.'

"And remember, there's only one in management. The rest of us are in sales."

'I think I see why attendance has been down.'

"May the good Lord bless this Town Council for the revival of our religious invocations. We thank Thee in the name of Jesus Christ!"

Wife leaving note 'midnight mass' on husbands distended stomache as she leaves house.

Devil in the first pew of church.

"Why do you have to come? Because I went to your Super Bowl, that's why."

"I'm so conflicted these days that when I dine alone, I ask for separate checks."

'Is this communion wafer gluten free?'

Service lift.

'Does anyone have a light, please?

A Concert Audience - A Typical Layout.

'It's a miracle!'

'Remember, we become what we think of most.' - 'Oh no, I'm turning into a woman.'

'Pleased to meet you folks - I'm Father Bixby, and this is my lawyer.'

'I don't mind reunions, but where have you been since last year?'

'I think that'll do!' says man to attendent filling up car, as car burps.

'We should have called weeks ago.'

"Is anything O.K.?"

'This place got Wi-fi?'

"You know how some people feel naked without jewelry? Stewart is like that without a remote."

"Oh, that one's mustard from lunch."