Service Attendees Gifts

Service lift.

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

"He says he's been sending you messages from beyond the grave but it's possible they're going straight into your junk folder."

R.C.I.A.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"The Pastor requested that no decaf be served. The congregation is nodding off during service."

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

"What do you mean the message wasn't directed at me, the Pastor said my full name three times!"

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

Hymns - Optional Extras

'Hey, the Preacher is talking about you Dad.'

"And remember, there's only one in management. The rest of us are in sales."

Church Parking Sign for Midnight Mass

Wife leaving note 'midnight mass' on husbands distended stomache as she leaves house.

Devil in the first pew of church.

'I think I see why attendance has been down.'

'Service Lift.'

"Why do you have to come? Because I went to your Super Bowl, that's why."

'Is this communion wafer gluten free?'

"Your sermon started out strong, then it got a little slow and I nodded off."

"And the award goes to...but then again, why bother?"

"I'm so conflicted these days that when I dine alone, I ask for separate checks."

'Does anyone have a light, please?

'It's a miracle!'

'In view of the clampdown on hate preaching, maybe just a tad less fire and brimstone in Sunday's sermon, perhaps?'

'-and the ceremony,your place or mine?'

'Pleased to meet you folks - I'm Father Bixby, and this is my lawyer.'

'I don't mind reunions, but where have you been since last year?'

'We should have called weeks ago.'

"I guess I missed more Sundays than I thought."

'This place got Wi-fi?'